What do you do when you feel like your life is missing something indelibly important?
For me: I usually imagine life from the perspective of the parasail: far above the earth, but close enough to feel the wind on my face, and yet possibly die from falling (which I’m unsure is physically possible, considering parasailing happens over water…but you get the gist.)
Getting to this perspective usually involves talking with people from my past or really close friends in my present. As of now, all of my really close friends have either moved or are in the process of becoming parents – so…I’ve been talking to friends from my past. The problem with this is the element of nostalgia.
There’s something about nostalgia that allows us to both hate and love life, simultaneously.
We reminisce over what we’ve experienced and feel thankful for what we’ve had, then, we feel shitty for not feeling the way we once did. Nostalgia is tricky. It’s a two-edged sword that can leave us spiraling down a very strange staircase of emotion asking questions like “what the hell have I done with my life?”
So here I am. Down the staircase of nostalgia, about 27 floors.
How I assume nostalgia should work, isn’t quite how it actually happens for me. I feel like if choose to remember the things I miss, it shouldn’t throw me into this place. So I’m trying to understand why I’m here- instead of asking, “where the hell am I?” – I’m asking “what do you feel is missing?”
Well…for one. Close friendships. I’m totally missing the intimacy of close friendship. After looking over some photos from my wedding, it seems that nearly my entire wedding party (on the girls side) has moved off island. Granted, there were only five on my side- but my point is that half of my friends, the people closest to me and celebrated with us that day, are no longer on island. Wft.
Really- I know greater intimacy is available in my new relationships…
but I’m unsure of where to start or honestly, how close I want to get. I have an incredible group of friends, but most are really busy with their own lives and I suppose I am also. It would be easy to simply place the lack of closeness in my current friendships to time deficiency, but really – I’m afraid to invest in any of my relationships here because every time I do, that friend leaves the island or moves on to their next phase of life.
Maybe that’s just the curse of the late 20’s. That and the fact that my residence is a tourist destination where people seem to come for a time and go within a year or two. This is likely my rational for why moving back to NJ sounds like a good plan: live in a place where people generally stay. But wait…
There are people who stay. They are here…in my friend group. So maybe I risk it.
Maybe I take the chance and enjoy whomever God puts in my life for as long as they plan to stay.
I’m praying that there is some break in this emotional limbo. I’m praying that I’ll look up and realize I’m really not 27 floors down the scary spiral of nostalgia- but I’m looking down onto the water and over the city – from the perspective of a parasail.