October 25th, 2016
Yesterday, I decided to try and spark the romance between my husband and I. Dirty and sweet text messages…attempting to build some anticipation. Though sex-ting inst my hub’s strongest talent, I spent the day looking forward to some naked play time when I arrived home from work. Instead, I was welcomed by sweet catering; my favorite mixed drink (vodka and sparkling grapefruit) and a sensual massage. By the time we got to the kissing, I really wasn’t into it. He was just kissing me. There was no caressing my body or feeling me up. Just… kissing…
I felt terrible telling him but it was that or try to force sex. When I expressed that I wasn’t really feeling it, he told me “it’s all in your head. You’re only dwelling on an expectation.” He was right. I expected him to ravish me. I expected to feel desired; things I knew he wanted me to feel but I simply didnt.
This morning, my husband snuck out without giving me a kiss goodbye; usually his sign that he was upset and wouldn’t talk to me for most of the day. As I began to process the wrestling of wanting to reach out and apologize for the night before or let him be, I decided to journal and realized that it wasn’t just the attraction issue I was up against. It’s been in large part due to the response given to my pleas for what I desire. Lord knows that I’ve coached him openly about what I like and what I don’t. The problem, I think, is that he needs affirmation- he desires me to pursue him when I’m desperate for him to pursue me.
One of the other issues I believe we’re facing is do to our past experiences. B was a virgin when we got married and I’m the only one he’s been with. While in the past he’s expressed that this isn’t an issue for him, my having such a rich experience with past lovers (ya…I got around a bit), but the truth came out in our last conversation. As I was sincerely explaining the hurt I was feeling about the state of where we are, I began saying “I love you so much and cherish what we have…” he interrupted me to say “No. You cherish the experienced you’ve had with other men.” That didn’t go over well. I followed that statement with a conclusion that we either start seeing a counselor or pursue separation. He concluded we seek counseling.
This coming weekend, we have a little romantic trip planned over the course of our friend’s wedding. We are heading up to an incredibly romantic resort, and hopefully doing more than just sleeping; and by that I mean enjoying the resort and maybe…just maybe, some steamy action. We haven’t had sex in a few days and I truly have no desire to, but maybe a change in the monotony of life will spark some romance. Here’s hoping!