October 23rd, 2016
Last night, I talked with the mysterious man. Today, I told my husband that my hope for our future was disseminating. Throughout the day, I longed to process all that I’ve learned and now- I lack the words to explain.
Without sounding like a drunken poet, I can simply say I’ve never felt more perplexed. As a single person without ambition to create a stable life, typically, I would pack my bags and move back East for the next new adventure. But if I’m honest, even if I were single, my days of chasing the possibility of thrilling romance ignites a sense of exhaustion. Even so, I deeply miss the East Coast; my family, the turning of seasons, and the familiarity of a place I once called home feel like a nostalgic dream. But to start over again, abandoning my promises and commitments here, feels like an overwhelmingly difficult and poor life choice.
The biggest fear of moving forward in my marriage is the sense of never experiencing the passion I greatly long for. The fear of bailing out, however, is letting go of what I hope to be possible- a passion that could possibly develop over time. Thus, I’m left with heartache in knowing I must let go of something.
In my conversation with the mystery man (we’ll call him M ), I realized a definite mirrored reality; what attracted me to my husband is possibly the same thing that attracts M to me. In my husband, I found the idea of settling down, possibly becoming a more sable person, the natural transition for my adventurous soul. This is what M is attracted to in me. That’s the void I would fill for him. That’s the void B has filled for me.
In the two years I’ve been with my husband, I’ve experienced emotional security; something entirely foreign and obviously uncomfortable. And there is a joy that comes from being a stable person- someone another can trust. Yet I question if this is the person I want to be. Furthermore, I question if I’m cut out for a life committed to building legacy over living each day like it’s my last.
Nauseated by the perplexity of my emotional state, I leave this entry with a knowing that I’m capable to live whichever life I choose. Both paths propose difficulty and sacrifice, as they each posses the potential to be extraordinary.
Then, in the depth of my soul, I know that mystery stories never have a happy ending.